Perfectionism's Link to Low Self-esteem

Dear Perfectionist,

I was you. In some ways I still am, but I put practices in place every day to ensure that I do not fall back into those maladaptive patterns of fear, procrastination, anxiety, and depression that present with perfectionism and yield themselves in low self-esteem and a negative self-perception. How did I pull myself out of the depths of depression? the social anxiety and negative emotional spiral these patterns and symptoms caused? To be honest, I can't take the credit. All glory to God who revealed to me my worth through redemption in the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ! However, there was and still is work to be done in order to maintain my newfound freedom and identity.

First, let's explore some of the symptoms that manifest as a result of perfectionism leading to low self-esteem:

• Unrealistic Standards:

  When you set unrealistic standards and expectations of yourself, others, life in general, you often set yourself up for the very failure that causes the diminished self-esteem. I over-exhausted to-do lists and became defeated when I was unable to accomplish the entire list in one day. Sometimes, because of how negatively the exhaustion impacted me, I found myself not able to complete anything or even find the strength to leave my bed.

  As a young kid, I was prided by my family, teachers, sport and dance coaches, (truly everyone that ever knew me) to be an amazingly fast learner. I was the "wonder kid". I was good at everything the first time and didn't struggle with anything save connection with my peers. As I grew older, life grew more serious and naturally proved more difficult, I found that life was not as effortless as I'd once found it. I was devastated. My grades suffered, I found solace in marijuana and alcohol, and the attention I was receiving socially took precedence over any ambition I'd had for myself and my future. My perfectionism yielded me nothing but social anxiety and functional depression, which grew worse post-college as life grew inevitably more difficult in the face of societal, personal, and familial expectations.

• Fear of Failure:

  Fear began to rule my life in the absolute worst way! I grew so afraid of failing that I set the bar to things I knew I could achieve. I rid myself of to-do lists altogether, avoided looking at my vision boards, and even stopped journaling. I went to work, where I loved my work as a Preschool teacher, but it was the only time I showed up as myself for anything in life. The rest of my existence was showing up for everyone else, especially my boyfriend, which I knew I was capable of doing. Until, of course, I wasn't enough for him. I constantly walked on egg shells, wanting to please him so desperately, I accepted being spoken to and treated any kind of way (highly unrecommended). I procrastinated on goals I set for myself, making excuses like "once I (fill-in-the-blank)" or "first, I need to...". Anything to avoid the possibility of rejection or failure that would only bring more disappointment in myself and from my significant other. Deeper into anxiety and depression I fell.

  

• Constant Dissatisfaction:

  The consistent feeling of depression, mania, and anxiety made life so difficult. I hated my life. I hated myself. I hated everything around me, except my kids at preschool: the only thing that brought me any real joy or peace. The perfectionism and constant failure through fear, procrastination, and people-pleasing became debilitating. The hit of the Covid-19 pandemic was the major turn-around for me. While others became depressed and anxious due to the social isolation, I thrived...sort of. My creativity came back full throttle. I wrote nearly everyday (my goal to be a published author is still one I plan to make a reality so look out for me!), I painted and sketched constantly, made jewelry, and fell in love with myself again. The things that made me me. I started working out again, cooking my own meals healthfully and intentionally, my hygiene was excellent, and I got back into reading my Bible. I pulled away from my significant other and sought my own satisfaction. I found my ability to say "no" again. Which, of course he wasn't fond of (,but who cares?). The panic attacks were very minimal, the depression was slowly shaking off. I was much less anxious and found a group of friends that I genuinely enjoyed and encouraged me in showing up for me as me.

• Social Comparison:

  I worried less what others' thought and began to weigh my goals against what I wanted for myself, and ultimately what pleased my Creator. The negative perceptions of myself began to fall off as did the excess weight. My acne and scars were clearing up as I was focused in on my hygiene and taking care of myself, eating well, and releasing negative emotions through art and writing. I started journaling again! (Game-changer! Highly recommend.) I compared myself less to my friends and random people that I would see and wish I looked more like, or could be confident like. I frequented social media less. The anxiety was diminishing and my confidence was at a place it had never been. I was excited to try new things, hard things. I grew more honest with myself and others about the condition of my mental health. My boyfriend and I broke up. I was me again!

  

Here's what I realized!

Failure is a normal part of everyday human existence. I will never be perfect and neither will you. And guess what!, that is OKAY!! I realized how unkind and unfair I was being to myself by expecting perfection, overloading my to-do list, and expecting immaculate results after trying something difficult for the first time.

I learned to set realistic goals! I started to-do lists again with one or two major goals I wished to accomplish for the day and incorporated self-care activities within it as well to ensure that I was caring for myself as well as challenging myself. I became increasingly mindful of my thoughts and the patterns that were feeding my negative emotions and behaviors. I learned to switch my focus from the outcome I expected to the quality of the work I put in.

Most substantially, I learned that perfection ultimately belongs to Jesus Christ alone! Outside of Him there was and is nothing worth while that I can accomplish. I learned to weigh the outcomes of my perfectionism (feelings, thoughts, and accomplishments) against the grace that comes from God and reliance on Him. I learned that faith in God trumps my fear of failure and my confidence in myself and my abilities grows as I lean into His love and grace. As I told you before (I cannot express it enough!), even with these in place there are days my perfectionist tendencies rear their ugly head. I am not perfect. There are days that I feel like I could have, should have done more. Days and moments when I feel like I failed. Even in that, my language has changed. I no longer embody the failure. I am not a failure. I may have not done well at something. I may feel like I failed at something. However, I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I am loved, I am beautiful, I am strong, I am capable, I am NOT a failure. I am not perfect, I never will be. I am, however, no longer anxious, bouts of depression occur very minimally and for much shorter lengths of time, and my self-confidence and self-perception are so healthy that I tell myself so often how proud of me I am and how much I love me.

You can become the best version of yourself as well! This positive self-perception and healthy self-esteem could be something you achieve as well! Wellness is not one-sized fits all, but through practices of mindfulness, positive self-talk, breathwork, exercise, journaling, and a relationship with God that heals from the inside-out, there is a plan and pathology that will work for you!

We can explore your options together by booking a free consultation at www.dearselfwellness.com! I would love to partner with you in helping you function at optimal capacity! It may not be easy and you will not be perfect, but it will be worth it!

Love,

Your Dear Self, Wellness Coach